I am angry that I had to go through these registration steps before venting my anger and the stupid french grammer way the security question was worded, I guess it will be a lot less irritating when I get used to computers more. I remember one of my neighbours who raced woodlice and killed the loser as a child, this is how competativeness feels to me. I don't want to feel that I am in that race, it is very difficult for me to do the feeling humble thing. I don't appreciate the woodlouse feeling when I could feel like a queen instead, and yes, I envy those who can effortlessly find the middleground. If this doesn't make sense, I believe I have borderline personality disorder and think in extremes to some extent, sometimes it's stifling to have to moderate your feelings to fit in. I am also pissed off that I, as a woman, have got to do the sexy/ pretty thing when I don't feel like it. I am going through a man hating phase and am not making as much effort as usual, why do men and other women rate women by their beauty, if I'm having a rough day it is because I don't want to be close to men/people, I wish people got that. I wish I could give myself permission to just heal and not have to look and act just right when I feel so raw. I wish that love didn't have to have to be so superficial. It reminds me of a Simpsons episode where Marge was told by her mother to push her frown right to the bottom of her shoes and smile. I am doing this, I suppose this is why I'm so angry.
People who judge others by their beauty and make this an improtant point in their lives are shallow stupid people. That pisses me off. Why do you HAVE to do the pretty/sexy thing? Who is forcing you? Or why do you feel that you have to????
" I don't want to be close to men/people, I wish people got that. I wish I could give myself permission to just heal and not have to look and act just right when I feel so raw." The great thing is, is that you get to choose how you live, and if you do not want to be close to men/people (I hate people myself), then you can just avoid them - yup, even at the stores by just looking the other way when people are near.) About feeling so raw - get more pissed, scream on here if you have to, let it out - it's helped me so much because I have a lot of rage that I've never let out, having been a chameleon most of my life as well. For me, not so much to fit in, but to have a place to stay when my mom constantly kicked me out at all hours. I took a lot of abuse and sarcasm from "friends" so I could have a place to sleep. As well, I did often have to be a chameleon to regular friends, too, Personally, my being a/sexual and a recluse (and mentally ill), I looooooooooooooooooove hanging out in oversized sweats and an oversized sweatshirt or, if really hot, just big shorts and a huge tank top. I only go out once a month (2 at most, but usually 1). Because I know who I am, I feel great about it, and living comfortably is bliss!! As some commercial says: LIVE OUT LOUD! Feel comfortable, or learn to feel comfortable expressing your inner rage here! I know how it's hard to do anything with a mental disorder, I have PTSD/DID/ Maj. Depression and almost all that goes with these things, not to mention a bunch of chronic pain, sometimes acute, degenerating bones (I'm a crickity 'ole 51 year old). It feels so relieving to get out your rage here because people are here to witness it (whether they reply or not, if you've had views, people have witnessed your rage which is something that you can't really do in the world or they throw you in the looney bin (which I've been in before, by the way). Go forth and be your autonomous self! You have my support, that's for sure!! :-D Warmly, Julie O'
It helps when you pass the dreaded 40 and you really don't give a fuck what others think... or it did for me anyways!
